


Crash

by Blueismybusiness



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - College/University, Did You expect Anything Else From Yours Truly, Drunk Kei, Fed Up Shouyou, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Large Amounts of Pining, M/M, Tadashi is the Greatest Friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-27
Updated: 2017-07-27
Packaged: 2018-12-07 17:54:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11628807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blueismybusiness/pseuds/Blueismybusiness
Summary: Maybe he could stay, Kei thought to himself. Maybe he could wait through his embarrassment and explain his selfish behavior, and not just the drunk episodes. He could explain it all.





	Crash

**Author's Note:**

> Song Fic: 
> 
> Gin Blossoms - Jealsousy
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vlfy6RhAhWA
> 
> Hopefully the link works.
> 
> Ahhh...the sound of nineties garage bands, the feeling of nineties angst - *takes a deep breath* Smells like teen spirit.
> 
> (sorry, the situation called for it)
> 
> NEway, this is my first songfic. I can't remember the specifics but I head this song and automatically thought of these two. I really enjoyed writing this kind of fic, the lyrics provided mini-promts that made it so easy and the whole thing kinda wrote itself. 
> 
> If you can't tell by now, I REALLY like Tsukki. That boy's my husband and most of what I write will involve him, especially concerning a short, redhead. I think they are my favorite ship. 
> 
> Hope I pulled this off well enough. Enjoy1
> 
> BIMB :)

**_Tell me do you think it'd be alright_ **

**_If I could just crash here tonight_ **

  
  


The first time it happened was during their first year in college. Kei had gone to a party, invited by Kuroo. He hadn't particularly wanted to go but he'd promised himself he'd try to put himself out there more. College offered him a chance to do something different, to be something different- something other than the thing he had been in been in high school and looking back at it now, there was very little about that person he'd actually liked.

 

So, he'd grudgingly agreed to attend a party and as he'd feared, he hadn't enjoyed it. At all. Kuroo had said it was because he was too stiff. Kei figured it was because it lacked any real life. It lacked energy, it lacked fire. It had lacked wild, red hair and bright, brown eyes and a smile that could power an entire city in its brilliance alone.

 

It had been that train of thought that had sent the tall blonde stumbling toward the nearest bottle of liquor in a desperate move to suppress the feelings of bitter regret that inevitably followed. And if he actually thought that drowning his sorrows in alcohol would help, he'd couldn't have been more wrong.

 

Three shots, four beers, and maybe a mixed drink- or two, but who's keeping track anyway- later, Kei found himself in an empty dorm corridor, banging on the door of dorm room 23A, barely able to stand, let alone consider the logic of his actions.

 

It was ten years later- or maybe just a few minutes, it's hard to tell when the clock at the end of the hall kept moving- when the door finally opened, a short redhead looking appropriately surprised to see an inebriated Kei blinking drunkenly down at him (Kei had slid down to the floor because the ground was rolling like ocean waves and he'd never been on a boat before).

 

“Tsukishima?” The redhead squeaked.

 

Drunk Kei lacked a certain amount of control over his face, unlike his counterpart, sober Kei. He smiled, albeit lopsided, at the redhead.

 

“Shō~yō!” He sing- songed, then giggled.

 

Shōyō’s eyes widened, having never seen the tall, reserved, blonde completely lacking any sense of composure in all the years they've been acquainted. He squatted down until he was level with Kei (which was not very far since the blonde was tall, even while sitting, much to Shōyō’s chagrin).

 

“Tsukishima, how drunk are you?”

 

It was then that Kei’s eyes went wide and his body thrusted forward as a night of binging emptied onto the floor between them. Kei managed to wipe his mouth with a noodly arm and looked up at Shōyō, his own eyes wide in embarrassment. Shōyō couldn't help but look the tiniest bit disgusted.

 

“Well, fuck.” Was all Kei could manage to say.

 

Shōyō sighed and shook his head. “C’mon, dumbass.” He carefully stepped around the puddle of vomit and got one of the blonde’s arms around his head before setting his feet and hefting.

 

All Kei could do was stare wide-eyed at the shorter male who was currently lifting the bulk of his weight. “You don't have to do this.” He managed to choke out, his vision swimming slightly. If he wasn't so fucking drunk he'd be mortified by all that's happened in the last fifteen minutes, but as of the current moment, he was basically stuck feeling helpless and a little cowed by Shōyō’s compassion.

 

“What would you have me do, Tsukishima? I can't leave you out here to pass out in your own puke and possibly tripping anyone unfortunate enough to walk by.”

 

“It would serve me right.” Kei stated quietly, casting his eyes downward.

 

“A lot of things would serve you right, but not this. Now, if you're done with your pity party, think you could help me out? You're not exactly light.”

 

The time lag between Shōyō’s words and when Kei actually began to move his feet was not lost on his inebriated brain. He wasn't completely sure if it was just the alcohol, but he could swear there'd been a touch of hurt in Shōyō’s tone.

 

“I'm sorry.” He whispered.

 

Shōyō didn't answer as he helped his taller companion into his dorm room and shut the door.

 

The next morning, Kei woke to find the small room empty and him laying in Shōyō’s bed. His heart jumped in his chest at the realization and its implications before he saw the pile of blankets on the cold floor. He knew, then, Shōyō had given him his own bed and slept on the floor, even after Kei had shown up unannounced, drunk, and throwing up. _Oh god!_

 

Kei was up in seconds, looking around for his glasses. He found them on one of the two desks inhabiting the room, apparently Shōyō’s evidenced by the clutter atop it, a yellow sticky note beneath them.

 

_Get some rest. I'll be back before lunch._

 

Kei felt his pockets for his phone and sighed in relief to find he hadn't lost it during his drunken night of supreme stupidity. It still had a charge, not much, but enough he could check the time.

 

_11:50AM_

 

Fuck! He needed to get out of there, ASAP. He couldn't be there when Shōyō returned. He couldn't face him after the previous night. In fact, he was pretty sure he was going to transfer overseas if only to escape the embarrassment of EVER having to look Shōyō in the eye.

 

Kei stepped around the blanket pile on the floor and grabbed the door handle. He stopped just as he was about to throw it open and run for his life. He closed his eyes and sighed, it would be rude for him to just walk out. Not after what Shōyō had done for him. Not after what he had done to Shōyō.

 

Kei turned and made his way back to the desk, gingerly and trying his best not to touch things. He searched around and found a pen sitting forgotten on the desk and stuck between a stack of manga and the wall. He bent over the post it note and with careful script he wrote:

 

_I'm sorry._

 

Afterward, Kei walked out of the door.

 

It would be several months later before he saw Shōyō again and under the same circumstances.

 

~•~•

 

**_You can see I'm in no shape for driving_ **

**_And anyway I've got place to go_ **

  
  


The third time Kei appeared at Shōyō’s door, Kuroo had once again convinced him to go out. Kei had just turned twenty in his second year of college. To celebrate the milestone, Kuroo had dragged a reluctant Kei to a local club where they were known to hand out free, cheap alcohol to college kids hitting the legal age of drinking. What better way to trap return customers than to enable a drinking problem from the start, right?

 

Kei didn't want to go. He realized he'd had a bad habit of getting a little too wasted and intruding on a certain short, redhead in his liquered-up condition. He couldn't do that again. He didn't think his pride could handle it.

 

“Tsukki, I promise I won't let you out of my sight!” Kuroo pledged, holding up a hand in a universal gesture of honesty.

 

“Don't call me that. And seriously, _if_ I agree to this, you _have_ to make sure I don't leave by myself.”

 

Kuroo grinned mischievously. “Oho, my unsociable, young kohai, are you, perhaps, feeling a little randy tonight? Maybe something sweet to compliment your saltiness?” He wiggled his eyebrows to emphasize his meaning. As if Kei would miss the innuendo, he'd been hanging out with Kuroo too long.

 

Kei rolled his eyes and tried to look as threatening as possible when he turned to him. “I swear to god, Kuroo, if I don't wake up in my own bed I WILL kill you.”

 

Kuroo put up his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, geez! Live a little, Tsukki. Does that mean you'll come?”

 

Kei snorted. “Fine.”

 

Kuroo grinned at him again and Kei had a sudden feeling of impending doom.

 

It was nearly two in the morning when Kei knocked on Shōyō’s door. He leaned on the frame, this time, having gotten used to being lit up after so many encounters with alcohol. He didn't usually get this wasted. Most of the time, it was in small gatherings where he'd share intelligent conversation with the few friends he'd managed to make in the last two years. He'd built up a tolerance in that time, at least enough so he didn't make a fool of himself.

 

But there were occasional indulgences- such as his birthday celebration- that resulted in drunkenly traversing campus to knock on his former teammate’s dorm door.

 

It took quite a few knocks before the door was opened and Kei was faced with a sleepy and peeved looking Shōyō glaring up at him.

 

_Oh god, I hate when he answers the door in his pajamas, his hair all messy from sleep._

 

“Well, then don't knock on my fucking door in the middle of the night and wake me up!” Shōyō snapped.

 

Kei stared at him in confusion. Did he say that out loud?

 

“Yes, you said it out loud.”

 

Kei narrowed his eyes and leaned down into Shōyō’s personal space. “Are you reading my mind?”

 

Shōyō leaned back, the stench of alcohol wafting off the tall blonde as if he'd been bathing in it. “You sound like Oikawa-san.”

 

Kei snapped upright and nearly toppled backward, grabbing the door frame to stable himself. He snorted. “Don't compare me to that dumbass.” He sniffed and once again leaned on the door frame and attempted to stuff his hands into his pockets nonchalantly, which he failed to do- twice- and settled for crossing his arms. “You gonna let me in or not?”

 

Shōyō stood in the doorway and crossed his own arms over his small but firm chest, impassively gazing at the tall blonde. He was better at looking nonchalant than Kei was at that moment, but he was also sober and irritable from having been woken up.

 

“Why should I?”

 

Kei blinked at him in confusion. Why? Well, because that's what they do. Kei gets uncharacteristically drunk, shows up at Shōyō’s door in effort to alleviate some of the aching loneliness he feels, and Shōyō lets him in and takes care of him. That's the routine. Is it a healthy routine? Not really. Is it just an excuse for Kei to be near the small ginger? Maybe pretend for a few hours that he didn't royally fuck up what they'd had three years ago? Perhaps. However, Kei doesn't like to dwell on the details, he's too drunk at the moment and all he wants is to go inside and pass out in blankets that smell like Shōyō- a unique blend of sunshine, strawberries, and fresh laundry detergent. His favorite smell.

 

Shōyō stared up at him expectantly from the doorway, one eyebrow raised and his lips in a little frown that had Kei biting his own.

 

Shit. He could lean down and kiss that pout right then.

 

“Well, if you have nothing to say then I'm going back to bed. Good night, Tsukishima.” Hinata stepped back, the door beginning to close.

 

Kei panicked. This was not how it happened. Kei got drunk, showed up at Shōyō’s door, and Shōyō let him in. He _didn't_ close the door in his face!

 

“Wait!” He hollered a little too loudly, shoving his hand against the door to keep it from closing. Shōyō hesitated and somewhere in the building the sound of another door closing rang in the dark silence.

 

“Kuroo left me alone after I told him not too because I knew I'd end up here and inconveniencing you and I didn't want to because I know that I'm a pain in your ass and I don't deserve all the kindness you've shown me but I don't really have anywhere else to go and my dorm is farther away and I'm pretty sure Kuroo ditched me to get laid-”

 

Kei got no further because Shōyō had put his hand up signaling him to stop talking. Kei was extremely grateful since his mouth would not stop vomiting all the drunken words his brain supplied. A second ago he was too drunk and too scared Shōyō would shut him out to regulate his speech.

 

The short redhead sighed and rolled his eyes before widening the door enough to let Kei pass. Kei sighed in relief and edged in and around Shōyō trying to make himself as small as possible. However, it seemed as if all the alcohol in his system had increased his size because he was pretty sure he'd grown a few feet in the last few minutes and he couldn’t help but feel he was, in fact, taking up more space than usual.

 

Shōyō silently went about setting out blankets on the floor. With the exception of Kei’s first drunken appearance, Kei had insisted on sleeping on the makeshift blanket mattress on the floor. Kei supposed he could have crashed on the extra bed in the room since Shōyō’s roommate was obviously gone a lot, but he hadn't wanted to press the issue since his visits were always unannounced and following his binges.

 

Shōyō completed his task without looking at Kei, which he didn't mind because it gave Kei an uninterrupted view of the ginger’s ass while he worked. Something that happened only on these rare occasions.

 

Shōyō stood up and turned to Kei who quickly averted his gaze. “I'm going to bed.” The smaller of the two stated, expression as flat as his tone. Shōyō crawled into his bed, wriggling around to get comfortable.

 

Kei followed suit, a little slower and with less grace. He was barely settled when the light turned off and he was left, lying in darkness, staring up at the shadowed lump of Shōyō’s form.

 

“I don't suppose you'll be here when I get back from class.” Kei heard him ask in the stillness.

 

“Probably not.” Kei answered.

 

He heard a sigh and the sound blew through Kei like a cold wind in winter and made him shiver. He hated that he did this. He hated that it was only during his drunkest moments that he could face Shōyō instead of doing it properly while sober.

 

“Fold the blankets before you leave.”

 

The tone of Shōyō’s voice was like ice. Kei didn't know how many more times he'd get away with this kind of behavior before Shōyō lost his patience with him.

 

Kei shifted, trying to find a more comfortable position.

 

Maybe he could stay, Kei thought to himself. Maybe he could wait through his embarrassment and explain his selfish behavior, and not just the drunk episodes. He could explain it all- how he'd fallen so hard for Shōyō in high school. How he'd loved him so deep that he couldn't find the bottom of his feelings. How he’d loved him so hard that he was sure the strength of it would crush them both. How he'd burned for Shōyō with the heat of a hundred suns, a heat that rivaled even Shōyō’s fire. How he'd realized this and ran out of fear because he'd never felt something so consuming in his short lifespan and it had scared him to death. How he'd cowered away because he knew that Shōyō would eventually see him for what he was- spineless, mean, and selfish- and Shōyō would leave him. How he'd realized that if that ever happened, he didn't think he'd survive.

 

Yeah, he could do that. He could stay and wait and explain and maybe, just maybe, Shōyō would forgive him.

 

Aww...aren't drunken contemplations sweet?

 

~•~•

 

**_And you know it might not be that bad_ **

**_You were the best I ever had_ **

**_If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago_ **

**_I might not be alone_ **

  
  


There was one time that Kei got extremely drunk and _didn't_ wind up beating down Shōyō’s door in the middle of the night.

 

Kei had attended a party during his internship. He'd been hired on at a well known information security company in his third year. It was Christmas and the company was hosting its annual Christmas party, complete with open bar.

 

Kei had attended both because he wanted to make a good impression and because it was better than sitting home alone. A fact which had recently been emphasized when he'd gotten wind of a rumor that Shōyō was in a serious relationship. With who, he didn't know, or fucking care. It was just the fact that here he was, nearly four years later, still single and still fucking in love with the idiot shrimp- who let's face it, was less of an idiot than Kei was at that point.

 

Kei sighed and threw back the rest of the highball still sitting in the bottom of his glass. The ice tinkled as the bottom of the crystal clattered with the hardwood of the bar. At least the company had taste. He'd heard through the grapevine- the grapevine being his overly chatty supervisor- that the company had spared no expense for the party since quarterly reports had come out and showed a steady rise in profits after having bagged a few very lucrative clients. _Good for them_ , Kei thought as he flagged down the bartender for another drink, _and good for me_ , as the drink was placed in front of him moments later. He picked it up and took a hefty gulp.

 

“Are you trying to forget or do you just _really_ enjoy whiskey?”

 

Kei turned to look at the speaker, the glass still at his mouth. He finished swallowing with a satisfying _ahhh_ and took in the face that stared up at him. Large, dark eyes beneath perfectly quaffed hair and a beautifully shaped mouth that grinned at him.

 

Kei narrowed his eyes. “Does it matter?”

 

His guest looked briefly taken aback by his curt reply. “So it's not true, then?”

 

Kei raised an eyebrow and sipped the rest of his drink. Mr. Perfect Lips smiled, a hint of playfulness in his eyes.

 

“I'd heard rumors of a cute but icy, blonde intern just recently brought on staff.”

 

Kei’s eyes widened a bit.

 

“But I don't think they meant you. You're way hotter than the rumors described.”

 

Kei snorted. “Are you flirting with me?”

 

Mr. Perfect Lips smiled wider. “Depends. Are you gonna buy me a drink?”

 

“It's a free bar.”

 

“It's a euphemism.”

 

Kei couldn't help but chuckle. He turned and waved at the barkeep. “What's your poison?”

 

“Martini, dry.”

 

Kei ordered and handed the fragile glass to his companion.

 

“Hirata Hyosuke.”

 

Kei looked at the man standing beside him. The man gazed back, watchful, with a smirk playing at his lips as he sipped his martini.

 

“What?” Kei asked.

 

“My name, silly.”

 

“Oh.” Kei replied, a little unsure what he was supposed to say. Then he remembered to introduce himself. “My name is-”

 

“Tsukishima Kei, right?”

 

Kei blinked. “Uh, yeah.”

 

“Nice to meet you, Tsukishima-kun.”

 

“Uh, you too.”

 

Hirata smiled, eyes bright and coy. He turned and leaned against the bar to crowdwatch. Kei copied him.

 

Kei had expected to spend the party alone and drinking, not being flirted with. It wasn't that he was unused to being flirted with, he'd come across quite a few interested suitors since he started college. However, seeing that he'd been at the party for the last two hours, camped out in the same corner of the bar since he'd arrived, and having ignored almost everyone who'd tried to talk to him, he was obviously a little surprised the good looking guy next to him had even been bold enough to make an attempt.

 

Kei tried to assess him without being conspicuous. Hirata was smaller than him, both in height and build. In fact- if it weren't for his eye and hair color, he'd almost look like Shō- _nope, not going there._ However, Hirata was really attractive if not a little older than Kei.

 

“You wanna get out of here?”

 

Kei jumped slightly at the sudden question and looked at Hirata who was grinning back at him. “I can't promise I won't bite, but I can promise it won't hurt...much.”

 

Kei swallowed. He'd only ever had sex one other time. It had been enjoyable for what it was, except that he'd have preferred a certain annoying redhead. However, he supposed beggars can't be choosers since it appeared he was doomed to die alone anyway.

 

Kei nodded. Why not? Didn't Kuroo always say to live a little?

 

Hirata grinned wider. He set his glass back into the bar and slipped an arm into Kei’s. Kei looked at the arm and then into the smoldering eyes of Hina- Hirata. “Ready?” The older man asked. Kei set his own glass on the bar and attempted a smile that he was sure came across as nervous.

 

They made their way through the crowd and to the coat check. Once appropriately bundled, Hirata gave his ticket to the valet who brought back a sweet, new black BMW.

 

“Mind if we go to my place?” Hirata turned to ask Kei before opening the door for him.

 

Kei thought about it. He'd only recently moved out of the dorms, opting to room with Kuroo instead of suffer another year in the dorms. He supposed they could go back to his apartment but then Kei would have to endure Kuroo’s endless questions and comments and he didn't think he could survive that, no matter how drunk he was.

 

“Sure.” Kei replied.

 

Hirata smiled again and nodded, opening the door for Kei and waiting for him to slide into the plush leather passenger seat before shutting it with a resounding click. Kei had a brief interval where he questioned the legitimacy of his decision making skills as Hirata glided around the front of his expensive car. Hirata's long black dress coat fit him nicely, showing off his form, such as the curve of his ass.

 

Kei internally shrugged. _Fuck it._

 

The next morning, Kei was unsurprised to find he was hungover, sore, and unsatisfied. Not because the sex had been bad- it had, in fact been great, as far as drunken sex goes. However, as it was with the last time he picked someone up (or was he picked up?) he was left feeling a little emptier. In the end, no one could fill the Shōyō shaped gap in his heart.

 

“Whose Hinata?”

 

Kei whirled around to find Hirata standing at the door clad only in a pair of sweats. In sobered daylight, Kei was pleased to find that his date had been genuinely attractive.

 

However, the giddiness was short-lived when Hirata’s question finally processed through Kei’s still sleepy mind.

 

“Huh?” Was all he could muster. How could this stranger know Shōyō?

 

“You called me by that name a couple of times last night.”

 

Kei could feel his face heat up in embarrassment. “Oh my god!” He said before he could compose himself into something less...humiliating.

 

Hirata giggled. “No need to be ashamed, we both know this was just for fun. I was just curious.”

 

Kei tried to sigh, without sighing, through his nose. Without coffee he was a mess in the mornings and a lot more...emotive.

 

“C’mon, let’s get you some caffeine.” Hirata turned and walked out, presumably to give Kei some privacy as he collected his clothes (that had somehow been magically tossed about the large room).

 

Once he was dressed he made his tentative way down the hall to the kitchen where Hirata waited, sipping on his own cup at the table and reading the financial section of the paper.

 

“Coffee is on the counter and mugs in the cupboard. Make yourself at home.” Hirat stated without looking up.

 

Making himself at home was the last thing Kei wanted. He really wanted coffee, but at the moment, he really just wanted to get out of there.

 

“Um, actually, I think I'm just gonna head out.” Kei said, slowly, still trying to get a handle on reality and mornings and human interaction before caffeine.

 

Hirata looked up at him and chuckled. “If that's what you want. But don't feel like you have to go, I can also make breakfast. It would help with the hangover I know you have.”

 

Kei grimaced at the thought of food. He just really wanted to go home and sleep for a year. Or perhaps the rest of his fucking life. “Thank you, but I'm just gonna head home.”

 

Hirata observed him for a second before shrugging and turning back to his paper. He took a sip of his coffee, something Kei found himself envying at the moment, and said, “Okay, then.” Hirata looked up from his appear to grin at Kei. “It was fun. You have my number if you wanna do this again.”

 

Kei nodded and regretted it immediately. Then he made his way, slowly, to the entrance, stumbled into his shoes, and walked out the door. He remembered what Hirata said as he waited on the elevator and pulled out his phone.

 

Sure enough, Hirata Tetsuyuki appeared as a new contact. Kei sighed and changed the name. _Not-Hinata_.

  


~•~•

 

**_'Cause all I really want is to be with you_ ** ****_  
_ **_Feeling like I matter too_ ** ****_  
_ **_If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago_ ** **_  
_ ** ******_I might be here with you_**

  
  


The last time it happened it was one week before graduation. Finals were complete and in the tradition of celebrating before the celebration, Kei’s meddlesome roommate coerced him into joining him and a few friends for a few rounds at a local bar. Kuroo _promised_ it was only supposed to be a _few_ drinks, to “You know, ring in the new year.”

 

“It's fucking April, you dumbass.”

 

Kuroo barked out a hearty laugh and slapped his dour friend on the back. “But, it's like, a new year for you, four eyes! A new year of no school and no deadlines.”

 

Kei snorted. “No, only different kinds of deadlines.” Kei had recently accepted a full time position within the company that he'd interned at. It was a good job with good pay, he could finally move out on his own.

 

“Whatever, Tsukki. Loosen up, will ya? You'll die miserable and alone if you're not careful.”

 

“I'm already miserable and alone.” He had muttered under his breath.

 

Kuroo _tsked_ at him but his eyes soften with concern. “You know, Tsukishima, you could just tell him.”

 

Kei glared at Kuroo. “No.”

 

Kuroo sighed. “You know, if Hinata really didn't care about you he'd have turned you away by now.”

 

Kei narrowed his eyes and looked at his hands as his fingers twisted themselves up. “It's not like that. Shō-Hinata is just good like that. He wouldn't turn away a drunk...friend, especially an old teammate.”

 

Kei could feel Kuroo shrug next to him. “I still think he cares more than you'll admit. Of course you'll never know if you're too chicken to say anything. You know, he's single again.”

 

Kei groaned and ran his hands over his face, skewing his glasses. “You're so annoying. Could we, please, find a different topic of conversation?” Kei turned and smirked at Kuroo. “How about we discuss your crush on Daichi?”

 

Kuroo feigned an innocent expression but his cheeks turned the slightest shade of pink. “I have no idea what you are talking about. Hey, what did you think of that game between the Panthers and the Arrows?”

 

Kei snickered.

 

Three hours later, Kei was with Kuroo and a bunch of their mutual friend’s in a semi- dark bar, throwing back beer and shots.

 

Five hours later and Kei had wandered through Tokyo in search of Shō- Hinata- Shōyō’s new apartment. The former high school middle blocker had officially found a place on a national team, as a middle blocker. Kei had watched a few of his games over the last year and couldn't help but feel proud of his former teammate. Shōyō was even playing against the King as they'd always promised they would.

 

Kei successfully made it to the complex, an eight-story luxury building complete with courtyard and gated entrance. Mounted into the stone wall was a call box, the owner of an apartment having to literally buzz the person in. _Just like the movies_ , Kei thought drunkenly.

 

Kei sought stability from the pretty stone wall that protected well paid owners from the common folk. He leaned, his eyes not working behind his glasses enough to focus on the list of names beside the speaker. He'd only found out where Shōyō lived because of an interview but the reporter appeared to have forgotten to include Shōyō’s apartment number.

 

When Kei finally managed to track down the information, the label reading only H.S. he imputed the data on the numberpad and waited patiently (not so much, cursing at the speaker) until a face popped up on a small screen he'd not noticed. He jumped when Shōyō’s familiar face came on and his voice rang out.

 

“Hello?”

 

Kei smiled at the screen, his head bobbing and weaving as he looked for the camera. “Pretty snazzy, Shrimp.”

 

Shōyō’s face darkened, even over the black and white screen Kei could tell he wasnt welcome this time. “Tsukishima. What do you want?”

 

“I came to visit.” He stated, a little irritated Shōyō was not letting him in. “Are you gonna leave me out here forever?”

 

A sigh whispered through the speakers and Kei could see Shōyō’s face shift from frustrated to sad.

 

“Not this time, Tsukishima.”

 

Kei smiled. _Alright!_ Kei looked at the gate and waited. And waited.

 

“Tsukishima.” Kei glanced back at the screen, weaving a bit. His pulse spiked when he saw the determined look on the screen.

 

“Well, Shōyō? What are you waiting on?” And he waved at the gate.

 

“No.”

 

Kei stood there for a moment staring in disbelief between the still closed gate and the face he'd loved for so long. “What?”

 

“I said no, Tsukishima. Not this time.”

 

Kei began panicking, his heart racing fast enough to sober him momentarily. He placed both hands on either side of the screen. “Seriously, Shōyō, you really gonna leave me out here, drunk and helpless?”

 

Shōyō snickered and frowned at him. “You're not helpless. Call a cab. You have a phone, don't you?”

 

“Why are you doing this?”

 

“I could ask you the same thing, Tsukishima.”

 

Kei sighed heavily. He'd known this day would come. He just hoped it would have taken longer than five years.

 

“Please let me in.”

 

“I'm done being your private hotel, asshole.” The look Shōyō gave him through the screen was a mixture of hurt and anger. His eyes were narrowed in a glare but Kei could see translucent tears slipping down his face.

 

He should just walk away. If Kei was a decent person he'd quit torturing the one person he claimed to love. However, he wasn't decent, he was selfish and he wanted one more night with Shōyō. Just one. Then he'd end it. Even if he had to quit his job and move to a different prefecture.

 

“This is the last time, Shō. Promise. Just- just, please don't do this. Not now.”

 

“Goodnight, Tsukishima.” The screen went black.

 

Kei stood there for a second, the fact Shōyō had hung up on him brokenly registering in his inebriated state. He rush dialed the number again. It rang. And rang. Then it clicked but no one picked up. Kei dialed again, panting from fear and heartbreak.

 

“C’mon, c’mon, c’monc’monc’mon, c’MON!” He whisper-yelled at the infernal box that stood between him and the man he loved as it rang hollowly in the early morning hours.

 

A minute later and two more dials, there was a flash of light and Kei blinked momentarily blinded by the bright beam of a flashlight. He attempted to shade his eyes from the intrusion and get a look at the person holding it.

 

“Sir, can I help you with something?” _Ahh, security._ Shōyō had called security on him. The overweight, rent-a-cop flipped open a small pouch at his side. Pepper spray.

 

“No. Sorry, I'll leave.” Kei surrendered, hands up and backing away slowly.

 

He walked around the corner of the stone wall, a wall that protected the inhabitants of the apartments from losers like himself. How poetic.

 

Kei slid down the wall and cried in the darkness.

 

~•~•

 

**_The past is gone but something might be found_ ** **_  
_ ** **_To take its place_ **

  
  


It took Kei roughly three days of isolation until Kuroo deemed it national emergency and called Yamaguchi Tadashi. He explained Kei’s condition to his freckled friend- how Kei occasionally got so drunk he would end up crashing at Shōyō’s and how the last episode resulted in the ginger cutting the blonde off. How Kei came home that night with an armload of alcohol and locked himself away in his room and had refused to come out, even after three days. How Kuroo had nervously sat by and listened as Kei lost his shit, screaming and breaking things.

 

Tadashi appeared six hours later, luggage in tow and prepared for battle.

 

“I've never seen anything like it.” Kuroo said, running his hands through his hair nervously, sitting in the edge of the couch, his leg bouncing with apprehension.

 

“Yeah,” Tadashi agreed, his eyes constantly flicking toward Kei’s bedroom door, his mouth a thin straight line of anxiety, “I've never heard of him reacting this way before. Even over his brother.”

 

Tadashi looked at Kuroo and took in his pale skin and the bags under his eyes. “You've really been worried about him, haven't you?”

 

Kuroo stared at Tadashi and sighed. “He's my friend, of course I have. I’ve known how he felt about the Shrimp, I just didn't think it was this...bad. I should have called sooner. I'm sorry Yamaguchi.”

 

Tadashi rose from the chair he sat in. “No one knew, Tsukki’s not exactly the most open person.” He chuckled and shook his head and Kuroo relaxed, slightly. “ _He_ should have called me.”

 

Tadashi clapped his hands together and rubbed them quickly, his palms warming at the sensation. “Well, no time like the present.” He stated more to himself than anything. He headed down the hall to Kei’s closed door. He stopped and turned back to Kuroo who watched him from his place on the couch.

 

“Get some rest, Kuroo-san. I think I can handle it from here.”

 

Kuroo grinned. “I think I'm gonna head out for a bit. Maybe crash at Daichi’s for a few days and give you two some space.”

 

Tadashi nodded and turned back to Kei’s room. He knocked lightly. “Tsukki?” When he got no answer he tried again. “Tsukki? Whether you answer me or not I'm still coming in.”

 

He tried the doorknob and found it unlocked. He slowly opened the door and poked his head in. The first thing he noticed, beside the stale, sick air, was the semi-darkness. There were no lights except for the city lights that bled through a few bent blinds. Otherwise, the room sat in darkness. Okay, then.

 

“Tsukki?” He whispered into the quiet.

 

“So, Kuroo called the Calvary, huh?”

 

Tadashi exhaled the breath he'd been holding, feeling better knowing his best friend had at least not committed suicide in his depression.

 

Tadashi slid the rest of the way into the room and shut the door behind him, the shadows engulfing him.

 

“I'm just gonna turn on a light, okay, Tsukki?” When he'd opened the door and stuck his head in he'd noticed the unused lamp sitting in a desk to his right. He made his way there, hands out in front of him in case he ran into something.

 

“I really wish you wouldn't.” He heard Kei’s voice somewhere behind him.

 

He switched the light on anyway. Tadashi loved his friend but he wasn't about wallow in the darkness with him surrounded by Kei’s demons.

 

Kei grunted when light suddenly flooded his bedroom and Tadashi turned toward the sound. He found his best friend of ten plus years huddled in a corner surrounded by empty bottles. He was dressed in sweats and an old t-shirt, his jaw was sprouting patches of unshaved hair, and his unwashed hair stuck up in a thousand directions.

 

“Jesus, Tsukki, you look like shit.”

 

“Shut up, Yamaguchi.”

 

Tadashi eyed Kei from the desk. “I'm not apologizing for the truth. When's the last time you had a shower?”

 

Kei leaned his head against the wall and closed his eyes. They sat in silence for a minute before Kei spoke up. “How's Yachan?”

 

“My fiancé is fine. What are you doing, Tsukki.”

 

Kei opened his eyes to glare at his friend. “Well, I was contemplating drinking myself into a coma but I got sick part way through and gave up.”

 

So that's what he smell was. Tadashi shook his head and walked over to his friend and sat down next to him. “Kuroo said you haven't left your room in three days.”

 

“Kuroo’s a liar and should mind his own godamned business.”

 

“Tsukki,” Tadashi sighed, “he's your friend.”

 

“Yeah, well I left long enough to piss.”

 

Tadashi found himself relieved to know his friend had only _not_ showered.

 

“You haven't answered me, Tsukki. What's going on?”

 

“I'm dying.”

 

Tadashi suppressed a chuckle at his friend’s over dramatic statement. “You won't die of a brokenheart.”

 

“Yeah, well it feels like I should.” Kei answered, running a hand over his face. His glasses were missing, lost somewhere in the mess beyond them. Tadashi took in his surroundings, the broken glass and picture frames that once held pictures of their old team littered about the carpet, broken mementos of his friend’s broken state.

 

“I can't stop loving him, Yama. Tell me how to stop.” Kei’s voice was thick as Tadashi turned to his friend. Kei looked back at him, desperate and shattered, his eyes glassy with tears.

 

Tadashi put an arm around his friend and pulled him into a hug, something he'd never done in all their years of friendship. “I wish I could.”

 

~•~•

 

**_‘Cause all I want is to be with you_ **

**_Feeling like I matter too_ **

  
  


Shōyō had just sat down to eat. It had been a long day of practice and he was worn out. All he wanted was to enjoy a meal and watch a little TV before bed.

 

He'd just lifted the first bite to his waiting lips when his door buzzed.

 

“Really!?” He spoke to himself, setting his bowl on the coffee table and getting up with great difficulty. Practicing with a national level team was no joke.

 

He made his way to his door to switch on the camera located on the security panel. He sucked in a breath when he saw a familiar, if unwanted, crop of blonde hair (the screen is black and white but of course he knew) pop up on screen. Shōyō’s brow furrowed in frustration and anger. _Not again._ It was barely six in the evening. _Will this asshole never learn?_

 

Shōyō jammed the speaker button with his thumb.

 

“What do you want Tsukishima!” He snarled into the microphone.

 

“I just want to talk.” Came Kei’s eager reply over the crackling speaker. He was staring into the camera as if he'd somehow be able to merge with it and come out into Shōyō’s apartment by sheer will alone. The action distorted Kei’s face, giving him a large forehead and eye one minute, and really big lips the next. Shōyō suppressed the urge to giggle.

 

It had been at least two weeks since the last time he'd shown up. Shōyō had made up his mind he was done being toyed with. For years Kei had haunted him, tearing him up from the inside while Shōyō gave him space to figure out what he wanted.

 

In the beginning of their third year of high school, Kei had cornered him and confessed feelings Shōyō had never known he'd had. At the time, Shōyō had not known what to do with them- it was Kei, for crying out loud. However, he'd found the situation...fascinating...curious? Whatever it was he felt in the moment, he'd agreed to date the blonde despite reservations.

 

The surprising part was how quickly Shōyō had found himself falling for one of the most frustratingly beautiful men alive. Kei had shown uncharacteristic tenderness toward him at the time, caring for him and spoiling him in ways Shōyō had not thought a snarky, bitter, moody Kei capable of. He was attentive and sweet and their alone time was filled with passionate make-outs that left Shōyō utterly breathless and wanting. It was perfect.

 

Until it wasn't. Until Kei suddenly switched personalities and started distancing himself from Shōyō, started avoiding him, avoiding phone calls, and finally reverting to his previous hateful ways.

 

For months Shōyō tore himself up thinking he'd done something wrong. He'd apologized over and over in futility, trying to understand the change that had taken place and robbed him of the happiest times of his life, with the exception of playing volleyball. He'd tried talking to Tadashi but Kei’s freckled-faced best friend had been as clueless as he was.

 

In the end, Shōyō backed off hoping that if he gave the tall blonde some space he'd pull his head out of his ass and talk to Shōyō. When they graduated high school and moved into college and nothing changed, Shōyō contemplated giving up. Then he found out he and Kei attended the same university and Shōyō held on, just in case.

 

Then Kei started showing up randomly to his dorm, always drunk and always gone before Shōyō returned to class. It always left him confused, angry, and resentful. Kei treated him with so little consideration and Shōyō continued to care for him, hoping they’d close the distance between them.

 

Yet, it was always the same. Random nights and abandonment. Eventually Shōyō gave up and fell for someone else. However, always, at the back of his mind he waited for Kei- for the blonde to show up on a random night. It was because of this Shōyō ended his relationship, feeling as if he wasn't being completely honest with his boyfriend because of lingering feelings that would never be returned.

 

Still, Shōyō attempted to move on and he was given a place on a national team. He hadn't heard from Kei in, what had felt like forever, so he'd found a new home and attempted to start over.

 

Then, of course, Kei found him. However, Shōyō had reached his limit. His life was good and letting Kei back in only resulted in upsetting the balance he'd found. So, as hard as it was, Shōyō denied Kei. He'd hung up on him and listened as his door buzzed repeatedly while he cried in the floor, his heart broken.

 

Now he was staring at his worst nightmare and first love, who was still waiting at the gate, looking into the camera, his eyes bright and hopeful.

 

“It's been a long day, Tsukishima, and I'm really tired. I really can't deal with your drunk self tonight.” Shōyō spoke into the microphone, trying to keep his voice neutral. Even now, his heart beat a rocky rhythm and he struggled not to unlock the gate.

 

“I'm not drunk!” Kei half-yelled through the speaker, bouncing in his toes, his face jumping in and out of the frame. He was smiling. Shōyō stared. He hadn't seen that smile in so long.

 

That had been one of the best things about dating the blonde. Kei rarely smiled. That is, except when he'd been alone with Shōyō. It was only during those times when he'd allowed himself to relax and smile genuinely...and often. Shōyō loved his smile. He was weak to it. It turned his knees to jelly and made his stomach flutter with a thousand butterflies.

 

Shōyō nearly pressed the ‘unlock gate’ button but stopped himself at the last minute. He'd been down this road before-

 

“Please, Shō, let me in. We need to talk- or at least I need to tell you...well, there's so much!”

 

Shōyō watched him, several hundred feet separating them yet feeling like they were so close.

 

“Why now? It's been five years, Kei.” Shōyō replied.

 

“Holy fuck! You called me Kei!” Kei’s smile was gentle, full of affection as his face disappeared when he leaned against the panel on his end. Shōyō ran both hands down his face. Kei was making this so difficult but he couldn't help feeling hopeful. He'd waited so long.

 

But that was also the problem. He'd waited so long.

 

“I can't do this anymore, Tsukishima.”

 

Kei's head snapped up, panic etching lines in his face. “No! Wait! Please don't hang up! I know I don't deserve it, I know that I've made so many mistakes, but please hear me out!” Shōyō watched as Kei nervously darted his eyes to the gate and back at the camera.

 

Shōyō sighed. “You can talk from there.”

 

Kei’s mouth opened and closed like a fish gulping water, his eyes wide with tension. Then, suddenly he screwed up his face, his eyes becoming more determined.

 

“You drive a hard bargain, Shrimp.”

 

Shōyō snorted. “No more than you.” He shot back, no longer intimidated by Kei’s looks.

 

Kei too a deep breath. “I'm sorry.”

 

“You've said that. Does it mean something now?”

 

The look Kei shot Shōyō through the screen made him wilt a little. So, maybe the tall blonde still intimidated him just a bit.

 

“I mean, I'm sorry, for everything. For all the times I showed up to your home and expected you to deal with my inability to face my problems. I'm sorry for treating you like your feelings didn't matter. I'm sorry for being selfish. And mostly, I'm sorry for being a coward.” Kei paused, apparently waiting for Shōyō to acknowledge him.

 

“Fine, I accept.” Shōyō desperately wanted to let him in but he was scared. Scared he'd open himself up only to be rejected, again.

 

Kei stared back at him. His eyes searching, looking for some leftover affection, affection he hadn't yet washed away with his abrasive behavior.

 

Shōyō stared back.

 

“I love you.”

 

Shōyō couldn't help when his breath hitched. It was everything he'd wanted to hear for so long, but Kei had hurt him so much.

 

“I love you, Shō.” Kei spoke quietly, his voice coming through the speakers as if he was whispering them directly into Shōyō’s ear. “I've loved you since high school. Since the first time I saw you jump. Since the first time I saw you fly. I was just scared. I was stupid and selfish and afraid. Afraid you'd see me for what I was and leave me.”

 

Kei took a shuddering breath and Shōyō watched him wipe away a tear with one hand. “I wouldn't have blamed you if you did. Leave me, that is. There were always so many others- other guys who were so much better for you. Kinder. More patient. Guys who worked harder. I watched them as they came for you and I just knew,” Kei paused, covering his mouth as he struggled to withhold some overwhelming emotion, squeezing shut his eyes. He rubbed a hand over his face and looked into the camera again and continued, “I knew you'd find someone better than me and I didn't think I could take it if you fell in love with someone else. I wanted you to love me, only me, and I tried to show you how much I loved you. But I couldn't shake the fear. No matter what I did or how you looked at me, I was always afraid.”

 

Tears were cascading off of Shōyō as he listened to Kei finally admit his feelings. Shōyō was shaking, barely able to stand with the amount of emotion surging through him. All he'd ever wanted was to love Kei and be loved by him. To know this now was more than Shōyō could bear.

 

“Shō, please talk to me.”

 

~•~•

 

**_The past is gone but something might be found_ **

**_To take its place_ **

  
  


Kei stared into the screen, willing Shōyō to open the gate. Then it went black and Kei panicked once more.

 

“No.” He declared to the empty air around him. He punched in Shōyō’s number. “No!” He soured at the blank screen. “Nononononono! C’mon Shō!” He was freaking out.

 

After holing up in his room for days on end, determined to usher in his own death as quickly as possible without doing any physical bodily harm (blood made him squeamish), Tadashi had shown up like an angel of light to kick him in the ass and return him to his senses.

 

“Love isn't like volleyball, you know? It won't always be there. You can't decide you want it one day and not the next and expect the other person to just be there. You have to work at it, day and night, and you can't run. It only works if you're there everyday.” Wise words from a wise friend.

 

God bless Tadashi. His patience and encouragement as he waited for Kei to pick himself back up was almost divine. It had taken Kei another two days but he'd eventually come out of his room to join the living. It took him only three more before he fully processed Tadashi’s words and one more day after that to work up the courage to confront Shōyō.

 

Now Kei stood before the same gate that separated him from the only person he'd ever loved and all he was seeing was a blank screen. He'd been so... _hopeful._

 

Suddenly the gate buzzed loudly and began sliding sideways, creaking and juggling as it went. Kei stared at it for a moment, expecting someone to come through.

 

When no one showed up, Kei ran.

 

He allowed his long legs to carry him as quickly as they could into the courtyard, through glass double doors, and into the stairwell, much to the displeasure of a very irritated doorman.

 

Okay, so maybe that was overdoing it. He could have just taken the elevator. Shōyō just had to live on the fifth floor and he'd be lucky if Kei didn't die on his way up. Already Kei was feeling lightheaded from lack of oxygen, he didn't work out half as much since retiring from volleyball. Maybe he should think about picking it up again.

 

Kei reached the needed floor without dying but took a minute to catch his breath before walking down the hall and knocking on Shōyō’s door. He was already sweaty, he refused to be panting too.

 

When he'd calmed his breathing to manageable proportions, he made his way down the brightly lit hall to apartment 520. He knocked.

 

It was only seconds before he heard crashing, cursing, and then the door flew open and Shōyō was standing in front of him, panting like he'd run ten miles.

 

Both men stared at each other.

 

“Shō-” Kei began before the wind was knocked out of him as wild, red hair flashed and Shōyō was wrapping his small, muscular arms around his waist. He was sobbing into Kei’s chest and yelling at him, “Stupid, stupid, stupid!”

 

Kei couldn't help but smile affectionately down at the smaller male who fit so perfectly in his arms. He buried his face in that wild mane of hair and breathed deeply of his most favorite smell on earth- sunshine and strawberries.

 

Shōyō looked up at him. Normally Kei would be embarrassed by the tears rolling down his own cheeks but in this one moment he couldn't care less how he appeared. Shōyō had let him in. He'd let him in and was staring up at Kei with big, brown, bright eyes that blazed with love.

 

“You should have talked to me.” Shōyō said.

 

“I know.”

 

“All this time wasted.”

 

“I know. I'm sorry. I was so stupid.”

 

“Yes you were.” Shōyō grinned.

 

Kei _tsked_ but smiled anyway. He raised a hand to take Shōyō’s cheek and wipe away a tear. Shōyō nuzzled into his palm and closed his eyes.

 

“I've missed you Kei.”

 

Kei couldn't answer. So he bent down and kissed lips he'd dreamed about since high school.

 

It was tentative a first but Shōyō sought permission for more when Kei felt a tongue. He eagerly accepted, years of loss and want boiling over from a well Kei had tried to bury so long ago.

 

Kei felt Shōyō slender hands run up his chest and wrap themselves in his hair, deepening the kiss until Kei thought he'd drown. In a moment of pure bravery- or hormones- Kei reached down and picked Shōyō up by his thighs. He smiled into the kiss, glad to know he was still somewhat stronger than his lover.

 

Shōyō moaned into Kei’s mouth and Kei nearly collapsed from the heat that flooded his body as he carried the love of his life into the waiting apartment. He should probably call off again the next day. He didn't plan to leave Shōyō’s bedroom for a long time.

 

Kei kicked the door closed.

**Author's Note:**

> *locks self in room*
> 
> I am a miserable person in need of love! ALL I write is angst and pining boys! I'm such a sadist!!
> 
> Anyway, hope you enjoyed the emotional roller coaster. 
> 
> Once again, please comment and Kudo. They are very much appreciated!!!


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